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Today's jokes [4.20.17]

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   There is a pit-bull, bull-dog, and a black lab all locked up in the
   local dog pound. The pit-bull decides to speak freely and says, "Ya
   know, it wasn't my fault I bit that kid's head off. Them kids have
   been throwing rocks at me for years and I just couldn't help but jump
   the fence one day and go after them. Now they are going to put me to
   sleep."
   
   The bull-dog speaks up and says, "I'm in for a similar incident. My
   master just wasn't paying any attention to me since that stinkin baby
   came along and one day while it was crawlin around on the floor I bit
   its leg off. Now they are going to put me to sleep too."
   
   Both the pit-bull and bull-dog look at the black lab and ask, "What
   are you in for?"
   
   The lab replies, "Well the other day my master's lady was walking
   around the house naked all day long cleaning the house. When she went
   into the bathroom and bent over to clean the tub I just couldn't take
   it anymore. I came up behind her, put my front paws on her back and
   mounted her."
   
   The pit-bull asks, "So when are you due to be put to sleep?"
   
   And the lab replies, "Oh, I'm not in to be put to sleep, I'm just in
   to have my nails trimmed and groomed."
   


1. 




What's the difference between women and men? 

     One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness. 

2. 




A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the
problem, Carol?  I hope it's not homework again."
"Well, uh, yes, it is."  replied Carol.  "I was stupid and made my
homework paper into a paper airplane."
"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the
teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it
in."
"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see,
the plane was hijacked."

3. 




(Q) Why don't blondes use vibrators?
 
(A) Because they are scared they might chip thier teeth!!!

Sent by T.L.Glenn

4. 




   There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was
   driving when a
   police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and
   says "Did you
   know you were speeding back there." The lady (who is almost deaf) said
   to her husband
   "What did he say, what did he say?" The man turns to his wife and said
   "He said I was
   speeding." The officer then said "Where are you from?" The man replied
   "Chicago" The
   wife then says "What did he say, what did he say?" The man turns to
   his wife and said,
   "He wanted to know where we came from." The officer then said "Shit,
   you know, I had
   my worst fuck ever in Chicago." The lady then says "What did he say,
   what did he say?"
   The man turns back and says "He says he thinks he knows you."
   


5. 



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