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Today's jokes [4.19.17]

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A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from
inside the aprtment, walks inside to find his wife on the floor
of the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I am having
a heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call the
doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy, daddy,
there is a naked man in the closet", husband opens the closet
door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it,
my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare
the kids"!!! 

1. 




How can you tell a drummer's at the door?

The knocking speeds up.

2. 




All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a 
young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were 
somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off,
sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry. "The weddin's off," he 
shouted, "Everybody bugger off!" Dismayed and muttering, the guests 
repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for 
free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and 
approached him. "What's the problem?" he asked. "Someone stole a keg of 
beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!", exclaimed the father. The 
guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the 
other farmers. A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled "All 
right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!" As the farmers filed 
back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, 
and asked "What happened to make you change your mind?"
Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg 
of beer."

3. 




What does Bill say to prospective interns?

"Haven't I cum across your face before?"

4. 




A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
 contractions are only two minutes apart!"  "Is this her first child?" the
 emergency operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her
 husband!"

5. 



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