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Today's jokes [4.18.17]

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                 Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer
     
   
Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted
thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by
accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide
do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe
tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating
and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body
electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO
withdrawl means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

1. is also know as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain
2. contributes to the "greenhouse effect"
3. may cause severe burns
4. contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape
5. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals
6. may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of
   automobile brakes
7. has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream,
lake and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the
contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused
millions of dollars in property damage in the Midwest, and recently
California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

- as an industrial solvent and coolant
- in nuclear power plants
- in the production of styrofoam
- as a fire retardant
- in many forms of cruel animal research
- in the distribution of pesticides; even after washing, produce remains
  contaminated by this chemical
- as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be
done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on
wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

The American government has refused to ban the production and
distribution chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of
this nation". In fact, the navy and other military organizations are
conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar
devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of
military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly
sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large
quantities for later use.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination!
  


1. 




One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was 
standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of 
the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the 
plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood 
beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good 
morning son." 

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his 
eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the 
service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together 
staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked 
quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

2. 




Man walks into a supermarket and buys :

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?"
The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
She replies "because you're ugly."



3. 




    Build an Ark

   The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until
   the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want
   you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the
   blueprints for the ark."
   Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall.
   Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.
   "Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord.
   "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things
   happened.
   "The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to
   change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance
   by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience..
   "The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a
   state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals.
   "The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the
   flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
   plain.
   "The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying
   taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission
   said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians.
   "I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."
   Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to
   shine.
   Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to
   devastate the earth?"
   "Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."


4. 




Helpful advice for travellers:
If you are going to get on a commercial flight, take a bomb with you.
BECAUSE:  What are the odds of TWO guys being on the SAME PLANE at the 
SAME TIME with a bomb?

5. 



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