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Today's jokes [4.12.17]

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One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below 
sea level.  He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he 
had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a 
few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes 
later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he 
took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck 
are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had 
written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

1. 




Biology Class

   In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose
   levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and
   asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as
   in sugar
   in male semen?"
   "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical
   info.
   Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
   sweet?"
   After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor
   girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she
   had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books
   without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned.
   However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was
   classic....
   Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste
   sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your
   tongue and not the back of your throat."


2. 




   Stolen Car
   A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his
   hand. A cop on the
   beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh!
   Sssshomebody ssshtole
   my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last
   time you saw it?"
   "It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if
   a bit too literally. About
   this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being
   exhibited for all the
   world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are
   exposing yourself?"
   The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH
   GOD . . . they
   got my girlfriend too!!!"
   


3. 




Examination to Qualify for Entrance to

                                           UNLV

                                    (basketball players only)

                                        Time Limit: 3 weeks

                                                *


1.      What language is spoken in France?

2.      Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
        reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
        -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3.      Would you ask William Shakespeare to
            (a) build a bridge
            (b) sail the ocean
            (c) lead an army or
            (d) WRITE A PLAY

4.      What religion is the Pope?
            (a) Jewish
            (b) Catholic
            (c) Hindu
            (d) Polish
            (e) Agnostic  (check only one)

5.      Metric conversion.  How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6.      What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
        is on the 5?

7.      How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8.      What are people in America's far north called?
            (a) Westerners
            (b) Southerners
            (c) Northerners
            (d) Easterners

9.      Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton.

10.     Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
        George the Sixth.  Name the previous five.

11.     Where does rain come from?
            (a) Macy's
            (b) a 7-11
            (c) Canada
            (d) the sky

12.     Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
            (a) yes
            (b) no

13.     What are coat hangers used for?

14.     The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15.     Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
        -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16.     Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17.     Which part of America produces the most oranges?
            (a) New York
            (b) Florida
            (c) Canada
            (d) Wisconsin

18.     Advanced math.  If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19.     What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20.     The UNLV tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
            (a) B.C.
            (b) A.D.
            (c) still waiting

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify



4. 




   A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes
   one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the
   window.
   
   Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins
   to stroke her thigh.
   
   As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
   
   "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical
   abnormalities."
   
   "That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
   
   "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
   
   "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps of breast
   cancer."
   
   "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual
   intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm
   doing now?"
   
   "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
   


5. 



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