Today's jokes [4.12.17]
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One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below
sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he
had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a
few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes
later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he
took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck
are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had
written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose
levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and
asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as
in male semen?"
"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor
girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she
had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books
without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was
Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste
sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your
tongue and not the back of your throat."
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his
hand. A cop on the
beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh!
my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last
time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if
a bit too literally. About
this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being
exhibited for all the
world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH
GOD . . . they
got my girlfriend too!!!"
Examination to Qualify for Entrance to
(basketball players only)
Time Limit: 3 weeks
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton.
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(b) a 7-11
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The UNLV tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(c) still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes
one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins
to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical
"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps of breast
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual
intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
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