Today's jokes [4.11.17]
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Why is pubic hair curly?
If it was straight, it would poke your eyes out.
Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at
the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a
replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to
be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced
his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the
best they could do at such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking
his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to
the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man
was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but
the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by
the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach
cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse
himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing
through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon,
scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By
now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so
disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he
finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers
and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into
Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard
her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a
light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.
They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS
before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they
wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that
they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past
SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle,
actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that
they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the
STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER
THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?!
BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT
THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE
12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE
HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most
difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.
Well, you know how she is.
"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that
she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and
you begged me not to marry her.
"You were perfectly right.
"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the
telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past
One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was
The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes
and they were all on fire!"
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