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Today's jokes [3.4.17]

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Q. Why wasn't jesus born in the U.S.A ?
A. Because god couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.


1. 




THERE WERE THREE OLD LADIES SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE; GERTRUDE, 
SOPHIA, AND HARRIET.  GERTRUDE SAID, "I THINK I'LL GO UPSTAIRS NOW AND TAKE
A BATH."  SHE TOOK ALL HER CLOTHES OFF AS AS SHE WAS FILLING UP THE TUB, SHE
HAD ONE FOOT IN THE TUB AND THE OTHER STILL OUTSIDE THE TUB.  SHE SAID "WAS
I GOING INTO THE TUB, OR COMING OUT OF THE TUB?"  SOPHIA AND HARRIET WERE 
DOWNSTAIRS CHATTING WITH EACH OTHER, WHEN SOPHIA SAID, "YOU KNOW, 
GERTRUDE'S BEEN UP THERE FOR QUITE A WHILE, I'D BETTER GO CHECK ON HER."  
AS SHE WAS GOING UP THE STAIRS SHE STOPPED AND TURNED AROUND AND SAID, "WAS
I GOING UP THE STAIRS, OR COMING DOWN THE STAIRS?"  HARRIET WAS LEFT 
SITTING AT THE TABLE BY HERSELF.  AFTER SHE HEARD SOPHIA'S REMARK SHE SAID,
"THANK GOODNESS I'M NOT THAT BAD KNOCK ON WOOD."  "WAS THAT THE FRONT DOOR 
OR THE BACK DOOR?"

2. 




What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

A man will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

3. 




A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and 
announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas 
baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.
"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender
recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby 
that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh 
now?" 
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some 
weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty 
pounds, didn't he? What happened?
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

4. 




How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color?

By studying what oil spills did to seaweed.


5. 



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