Today's jokes [3.17.17]
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In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the
middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern
and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the
lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,
lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do
ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he
got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.
Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living.
I think I'm gonna top myself."
"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left
me too, yet I'm happy."
"How?" asked Joe.
"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally
submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work
do you do?"
"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.
The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought
and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the
Cardinal next to him, "What's a four letter word, ending in
U - N - T that means 'woman'?"
The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn't even
bother to look up. "*A*unt, your Holiness."
The Pope didn't speak for a second. "Oh." He paused. "Do
you have an eraser?"
Two bums were sitting on a street curb, bored as ever.
Then, one of them got an idea, saying "I know, let's play swords!"
"Play swords?" asked the other. "How?" "Simple. Whip it out, smack
it till it's hard, and we both whack'em together like swords."
So they did, and they were running up and down the street, smacking
their dicks together playing swords.
Then, a gay man walked up to them and inquired about their actions.
"We're playing swords!" yelled one of the bums.
The gay man wanted to play too. An hour later, the gay man was becoming
exhausted. "I'm tired," he said. He bent over saying, "kill me!, kill
A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he
said. "And you can have him for five dollars." The neighbour said, "Who do
you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he
pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me,
never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in
America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten
"Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for
just five dollars?" "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all
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