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Today's jokes [3.16.17]

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One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A
pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this
stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the 
lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics
save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.




1. 




A partially deaf gentleman was extolling the virtues of his new hearing 
aid. "It's marvelous," he enthused to a friend. "Since I acquired it I can 
hear the birds chirping on the hearth. I can also hear clearly a 
conversation being held in an apartment a full block away!"
"You don't say," said his friend. "What kind is it?"
The proud owner consulted his wristwatch and answered, "Twenty minutes 
after two." 

2. 




ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL: WO 
DISCOVERER: ADAM 
ATOMIC MASS:
Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.
OCCURRENCE:
Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical Properties:

1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. 

Common Uses: 

1. Highly ornamental.
2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent. 

Tests: 

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards: 

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be
maintained at different locations as long as specimens don't come
into contact with each other.

3. 




This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:

----------------------------------------------------------------

Rebecca  and Gary 
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof Miller

                  In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
The process is simple.  Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right.  One of you will then write
the first paragraph of a short story.  The partner will read the
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.  The
first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and
forth.  Remember to reread what has been written each time in order
to keep the story coherent.  The story is over when both agree a
conclusion has been reached.

----------------------------------------------------------------

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.  The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,
keep her mind off Carl.  His possessiveness was suffocating, and if
she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.
So camomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named
Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established.  No sign of resistance so
far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed
out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.  The
jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across
the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one
woman who had ever had feelings for him.  Soon afterwards, Earth
stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of
Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space
Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.  The news
simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and
carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her
from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around
her.  "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles.  The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.  Within
two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were
on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the
entire planet.  With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan.  The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded.  The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. "We can't allow this!  I'm going to veto that
treaty!  Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd.  I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah?  Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts
at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total $*&.

Stupid %?$!.



4. 




A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, 
one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide 
pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been 
discovered. They had died in the act of making love.

"How awful !" exclaimed the wife.

"Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the 
husband.

5. 



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