Today's jokes [3.12.17]
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The world's greatest hypnotist is on stage in front of hundreds
of people swinging a long chain with a watch on the end.
He's saying, "You're all in my power...you're all in my power.."
Fifteen hundred people are going, "Oooo..."
He starts to say it again, "You're all in my...", when he
accidentally drops the watch.
He says, "Shit."
It took them two weeks to dig everybody out.
The PC Manifesto V3.0
Featuring a PC Primer and Revised PC Lexicon
by Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignieuw X.
(C) 1992 - All Rights Reserved
"...In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecedented unity and
harmony, The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people,
regardless of prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient
world order that will offer unlimited bliss and contentment. Dammit."
- Prof. Dr. Skippy "Houng Lau" Whitmore
Berkeley CA, 1965
Q: WHAT IS P.C.?
PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct
philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures,
race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Politically Correctness
is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees
with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.
Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC?
Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC
offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social
evils of centuries of oppression.
Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC?
Sure. As a matter of fact, most people at the forefront of the PC grand
destiny ARE white males. But remember, as a white male, you must
constantly feel guilty.
If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically
every injustice in the world--slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats.
That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now
it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those
individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.
It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and
what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone.
Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE?
That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world
a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.
Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC?
Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you
can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage
into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic,
etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try
to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush
your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain,
use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a
vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface
our flag. Remember, as a citizen of the United States, your living in God's
country. If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the
part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC
musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or k.d. Lang.
Harass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was
mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR." They hate that. And don't EVER
Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?!
Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have
rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!
Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?
No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian
Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when
Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?
The general rule is as follows:
IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY,
HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.
Examine the following chart:
RIGHTS NO RIGHTS
cute bunnies flies
dolphins in tuna nets tuna in tuna nets
red squirrels gray squirrels
harbor seals barnacles
Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC?
Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what
gives flavor to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity.
Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic.
Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you
read it, use the paper as an alternative fuel source. Try to wear clothes
with Xs on them if they're all natural fibers. Above all, ALWAYS question
Q: BUT WAIT, I THOUGHT-
Don't worry, that's not important.
Q: WELL, I'M NOT TOO SURE ABOUT THIS.
If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU ARE
RIGHT. It's that simple. You, as a PC social warrior, are right.
Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC?
Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something
insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The
guideline is as follows:
Is the confrontation between two white people?
Yes - The liberal is right.
No - The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.
Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading
of Mayor Marion Barry, or the Clarence Thomas issue, are really race
Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can
make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make
the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!
Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC?
It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority,
by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If
your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s,
she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender
Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP?
The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be
espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it
censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative
about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them
in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault.
Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC.
Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think
about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take
"black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their
Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR
No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your
great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should
be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships!
Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE?
No, there are no scholarships for any of those. Sorry. If you are a woman,
however, there should be some.
Q: HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN
Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-American we mean.
We mean BLACK African-Americans. Another example: A white South-African
U.S. immigrant is not an African-American either.
Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT?
For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.
Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO?
Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer
their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western
perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes
to reflect cultural biases.
Q: I DON'T GET IT.
Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities
who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions
at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and
Q: IT IS?
Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for
different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score,
depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been
benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose
ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.
Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.
It IS right. That's the beauty of PC.
Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF?
Humor. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept
any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a
racial or ethnic slur.
Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.
"What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for
decades. Not PC- It can be taken the wrong way.
In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling
the kettle African-American." Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning
culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to
the level of sitcoms, but that's a small price to pay for social equality.
Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?
Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that
people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating
people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the
bandwagon... Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive
"Insensitive Term" "Preferred Term"
Black - African-American
(NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE
LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE S-AFRICANS.
PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF
WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY
Oriental - Asian-American
(NOTE: NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES
SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL)
Indian - Native-American
Indigenous Peoples of N American
(NOTE: THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC:
Kansas City Chiefs
AVOID THESE CITIES!!!
And never buy tickets from a "scalper"!)
Chicano - Hispanic
(NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC:
Cheech and Chong
Chico and the Man episodes
White Trash - PC Unaware
WASP (white male) - Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)
Sex - Gender (PCers don't like the word
"sex" as it has confusing connotations)
Woman - Womyn, Vaginal-American
Girl - Pre-Womyn
Housewife - Domestic Engineer
Fireman - Firefighter
Stewardess - Flight Attendant
Meter Maid - Parking Enforcement Aduciator
Post Man - Post Person
Mail Man - Person Person
Policeman (cop, pig) - Law Enforcement Officer
Prostitute - Sex Surrogate
(Teen Victim. See: Broken Home)
MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON - Earth Children
Handicapped - Differently Abled
(Blind - Optically Darker
Deaf - Visually Oriented)
Poor - Economically Unprepared
Bum - Homeless Person
Hunter - Animal Assassin
Commercial Fisherman - Flipper Whipper
Whaler - Blubber Lover
Old Person / Elderly - Senior Citizens
Conservative - Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig
Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged
Bald - Comb-Free
Vegetable - Noble Unconscious Hero
Bisexual - Sexually Non-preferential
Midget, Dwarf - Little People
Insane People - Selectively Perceptive
Tree-Hugger - Environmental Activist
Logger - Wood Weasel
Obese/Fat - Differently Weighted
- People of Mass
- Gravitationally Challenged
Corpse/Stiff/Etc. - Victim of GlosBiDS
(Global Systematic Biological
Far East - Asia
Censorship - Selective Speech
B.C. - B.C.E.
Older Students - Non-Traditional
Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
Used Books - Recycled Books
Berkeley - Mecca
Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family
HouseBroken - Family Dysfunction
Mercy Killing - Euthanasia
Putting.. Down/to Sleep/Out of Misery
Insult - Emotional Rape
Cattle Ranch - Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC)
Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim
Ghetto/Barrio - (EHA) Ethnically Homogeneous Area
Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
Cheeseburger - Adding Insult to Injury
Gang - Youth Group
Pimp-mobile, Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation
Drunk/Trashed - Spatially Perplexed
Slum - (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone
China - Porcelain
Delicatessen - Corpse Farm
SOCIALLY INTOLERABLE WORDS (SIWs)
These are some, but unfortunately not all, words that are used to describe
people. Remember, there are much more eloquent PC ways to say the same thing
(and mean the same thing) without offending any of Earth's Children.
DO NOT USE THESE WORDS.
(except when telling other people not to use them)
IF YOU HEAR ANYONE USE THESE WORDS, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT, RESPOND
"Alky, Babe, Beaner, Belgian-Bastard, Betty, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad,
Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink, Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dego, Dike,
Dot-head, Druggie, Fag, Fairy, Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe,
Hippie, Honky, Hooknose, Indian, Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freak, Kike,
Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi, Nigger, Nudnick, Pinko, Pollock, Raghead, Redneck,
Redskin, Retard, Ruskie, Sambo, Skirt, Spic, Spook, Tart, Toots, Uncle Tom,
Wetback, Whore, White-Trash, Wop, Vegetable"
READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN'T IT?
IT BETTER HAVE.
THE ABOVE ARE FULSOME TERMS. PC DOCTRINE STATES THAT ALL REFERENCES
TO THESE WORDS BE DELETED FROM EXTANT PRINTED MATERIAL AND CONVERSATION.
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same time.
An old man and an old woman were sitting at the breakfast
table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.
The old man said,"You know, 50 years ago, we were probably
sitting here buck naked."
The woman said, "Why don't we try that again?"
So they stripped and sat down at the table again.
Soon the old woman said, "Honey, my titties are as hot for
you today as they were 50 years ago."
The man replied, "Of course they are dear, one's in your
oatmeal and the others in your coffee!"
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to
Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says "I want my $20 million."
To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way.
We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest
spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT
now! I won it, and I want it."
Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a
million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I
WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20
million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!
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