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Today's jokes [3.11.17]

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A man walks into a doctor's office with a frog stuck to his head.
Doctor: How did this happen?
Frog: It started with a bump on my ass.

1. 




One Friday afternoon two women are sitting on the front porch. 

The first woman says, "Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers.
That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend." 

The other woman asks, "Why, don't you have a vase?" 

2. 




                        Best Analogies Ever Written
                                      
                             Originally from a
                                      
                          Washintgon Post Contest
     
   
Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay"
contest.  (Actually most of them are similes --but... whatever)

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)


She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that
used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you
banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)


The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)


McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag
filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)


From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy
Ashley, Washington)


Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)


Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)


Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung
by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)


Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.  (Unknown)


He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy
Chase)


The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)


Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)


Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55
mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)


The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the
Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)


They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)


John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)


The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a
play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)


His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge)


The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
  


3. 




Jewish view on when life begins: There's a big controversy
on when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not
considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

4. 




A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's 
Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after 
her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The 
mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each 
word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", 
she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

5. 



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