Today's jokes [3.10.17]
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Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best... find a
woman with whom he may "commiserate". After a wild night of getting it on,
it's time for the young lady to leave. As she's getting dressed, she and
Mike are having a conversation.
She says, "Lotsa guys want to know how it was. Well, I have good news and
bad news for you. Which would you like first?"
Mike thinks for a moment and says, "What the hell, give me the good news."
She tells him, "The good news is that you're bigger than Magic Johnson."
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their
work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate
on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up
and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless
spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It
was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly
there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the
assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even
louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe,
"I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So
she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from
another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates. After
knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes
there?" inquired St. Peter.
"'It's me, Bill Clinton."
"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.
"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.
"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana
but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I
guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that
against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I
lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK,
here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot,
but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period
of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all
hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to
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