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Today's jokes [2.9.17]

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   One evening after attending a concert, two men were walking down the
   road when they
   saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman walking ahead of them.
   One of the men
   turned to the other and said, "I'd give 50 bucks to spend the night
   with her." To their
   surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning round she said, "I'll
   take you up on
   that." She had good appearance and a nice body, so after bidding his
   companion 'good
   night', he followed her back to her apartment and they went straight
   to bed. The following
   morning the man presented her with 25.00. She demanded the rest of her
   money."If you
   don't give me the remaining $25 I'll sue you for it." He laughed,
   saying, "I'd like to see
   you get it on those grounds!" The next day,he was surprised to receive
   a summons
   ordering his appearance in Court as Defendant in a lawsuit. He rushed
   to his atorney and
   explained the circumstances to him. His atorney said, "She can't
   possibly get a judgment
   against you on such grounds, but it would interesting to see how her
   case will be
   presented." After the usual preliminaries, her lawyer addressed the
   court as follows:-
   Your honor, my client this lady here is the owner of a fine piece of
   property, a garden spot
   surrounded by a profuse of luscious shrubbery, which she agreed to
   rent to the Defendant
   for a specified length of time, for an agreed upon sum of $50. The
   Defendant took
   possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for
   which it was rented, but
   upon evacuation of the premises he paid only $25; half the agreed
   amount. The rent was by
   no means excessive, even though it was restricted property, and we ask
   Judgment be
   granted against Defendant to ensure payment of the balance.The
   Defendant's lawyer was
   impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case.
   His defense was,
   therefore, somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to
   present it.
   Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of
   property,that he did rent
   such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from
   the transaction.
   However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed
   his stones,
   erected a pump, and sunk a shaft, all labor being performed by him
   personally. We claim
   these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the
   unpaid amount and that the
   plaintiff was more than adequately satisfied and compensated for the
   rental of the said
   property. We therefore ask Judgment not be granted.
   The young lady's lawyer's comeback was this:- Your Honor, my client
   agrees that the
   Defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make
   improvements such as my
   opponent has described. However had the Defendant not known the well
   existed, he would
   not have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the
   Defendant removed
   his stones, pulled out his shaft and took the pump with him. In so
   doing, he not only
   dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, leaving my client to do
   the cleaning up, but
   he left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, thus
   making it very easily
   accessible to little children. We therefore ask that Judgment be
   granted.
   SHE GOT IT!
   


1. 




A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.  He finally gets
himself to the doctor.  He says, "How bad is it doc?  I'm going on my
honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight.  It should be okay next week."  So he took
four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and
wired it all together.  It was an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on
their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to
reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.  This was the first time he ever
saw them.  She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these
breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at
this, it's still in the CRATE !"

2. 




   A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother
   wants to show her
   daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open
   up and talk about
   dating boys and what it's like for her.
   Mom: So....now that you have started dating, what's it like getting
   intimate with young
   men?
   Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never
   care if intimacy
   isn't working for me.
   Mom: How?
   Daughter: Oh, stuff....
   Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for
   mothers and daughters to
   talk about these matters...
   Daughter: I don't know.....
   Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what
   dating boys was
   like for me, believe I remember
   Daughter: Really?
   Mom: Really...
   Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your
   eyes?
   


3. 




On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to 
change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all 
showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband 
says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is 
astonished.  "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are 
so beautiful, let me take your picture."
  
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
  
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to 
my heart forever".
  
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into 
the bathroom to shower.
  
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do 
you wear a robe?  We are married now." at that the man opens 
his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a 
picture".
  
He beams and asks, "why?"
  
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

4. 




Is everyone out in net land familiar with Sensormatic?  They are the company
that make the large plastic clips that set off alarms when you exit a
department store.  I used to work for a department store and the is what
we did.

Open up the clip and remove the shiny piece of paper.  It is about an inch
long and about half an inch wide.  This is the "thingy" (that is the technical
word for it) that sets off the alarm.  This "thingy" is easy to insert into
a pen case, lining of a jacket ...

We did this to a co worker and needless to say, he had problems wearing a
particular jacket to work.



5. 



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