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Today's jokes [2.8.17]

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How are lawyers like sperm? 

    One out of a million turns out to be a human being. 

1. 




Mr. Schwatrz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol. He says to Sol 
(who is very religious),
"So nu, tell me Sol, my boy, what do you do?
"I study the Torah," he replies.
"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and 
house her?"
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."
"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. 
Schwartz.
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."
Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol 
is like. "Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him 
and he already thinks I'm God."

2. 




What women want in a relationship:  A handsome, loving professional
man who will just love them for who they are.
What women get:  A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only
because no other woman wants him.

What men want in a woman:  A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee
Anderson;  Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off
a flag pole.

What men get:  Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra
lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!

What women want in bed:  A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss
and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience
together.

What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What men expect out of a marriage:  3 loving children who honor their
parents.
What they get:  3 helions who are a combination of their parents every
fault and make their life a living hell.

1st anniversary card from husband to wife:  "My sweet loving wife....I
hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart
and soul, I am forever yours."

5th anniversary card:  "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."

10th anniversary card:  "Hey, how's it hangin'?  Love Ya'!!"

15th anniversary card:  "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"

16th anniversary card from wife to husband:  "You are hereby summoned
to divorce proceedings..."

3. 




Tombstone Epitaph In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

4. 




A guy is sitting at a bar and orders a drink. At the same time the TV go's 
on and there is Bill Clinton about to give a speech. The man yells, 
"There's a horses ass"
A guy gets up and punches him.. And the man left.. Then when Hilary 
Clinton came on he said the same, "There's a horses ASS..."
He then got punched again.. So he says to the bartender, "What is this, a 
Clinton country?" The bartender says "no, Horse country"

5. 



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