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Today's jokes [2.7.17]

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Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me
father for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?
Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."
The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"
Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want
to ruin her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
Tommy replies "No."
The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"
Tommy replies "No."
The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"
Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."

The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance,
but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four
'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your
seat."

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over
and whispers, "What happened?!"
"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six
good leads."

1. 




A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children,
trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.
With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice
stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers,
more flavors than you could ever imagine.

"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these,"
announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify
the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher
had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one
of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your
Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth
and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!" 

2. 




If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with the light on,
does a hard sleeper sleep harder with a hard on?

3. 




Q: Why do tampons have string?
A: So you can floss after eating.


4. 




                          Democrats V. Republicans
                                      
                         What it all boils down to
     
   
ISSUE           | DEMOCRATS             | REPUBLICANS
-------------------------------------------------------------------
criminals       | Give them a second    | Give them the swift
                | chance                | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the poor        | Give them some food   | Give them the swift
                |                       | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
endangered      | give them protection  | Give them the swift
species         |                       | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
dictators       | give them a way out   | Give them the swift
                |                       | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the uninsured   | Give them some        | Given them the swift
                | health care           | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the cost        | $9,000,000,000,       | $29.95
                |    000,000,000        | (cost of one sword)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
  


5. 



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