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Today's jokes [2.2.17]

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An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of 
sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to 
do. 

One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some 
entertainment for the men. 

He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has an 
orifice in the side and he invites each one of the men to "take 
the pleasures" of the barrel to their heart's content. Soon a full-
fledged hedonistic orgy is underway. 

The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted. Things 
reach such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go. Once 
the party is over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is 
bunged up and thrown overboard. The ship sails away. 

A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a 
deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only inhabitants 
of the island are the nuns who have founded their convent there. 
The nuns find the barrel and open it. They don't recognize the 
contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion 
candles. 

Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way 
only nuns can. 

Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear 
inexplicably on the island. One of the nuns is very guilty about 
her sins and approaches the Mother Superior for confession. 

"Forgive me, Mother. I have had a baby." 

The Mother Superior says, "That's nothing, my child. I've had 
puppies."

1. 




   A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. For an adventure,
   the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by
   everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the
   lobby.
   
   The boy asked, "What's that there, Paw?"
   
   The father responded, "Well, Son, I reckon I never did see nothing
   like this in my entire life. I got no derned idea what it is!"
   
   While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment,
   an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed
   a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
   small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small
   circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch
   the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again,
   and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
   
   The father turned to his son and said, "Go git your Maw."
   


2. 




The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor 
asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked 
when was the last time the general had sex.
'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.'
'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.
'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.'  

3. 




I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months 
I've developed quite an attachment for her.
It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her 
mouth shut! 

4. 




How do I know anything really exists?

Kick it *really* hard.


5. 



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