Today's jokes [2.16.17]
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Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to
be confronted by his
Teacher "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?"
Johnny "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt yesterday."
Teacher, "Was he burned very bad?"
Johnny, "Yes Mam, they don't fuck around at these crematoriums you
The Math Test
California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word
problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present:
The City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
1.Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13
times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he
has to reload?
2.Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to
Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he
doesn't cut it?
3.Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks
will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?
4.Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of
cut will he need?
5.Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has
stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?
6.Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law
wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison,
and how many years is he likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7.If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet,
how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint?
8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of
the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9.Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month
welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children
should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10.Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail
bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?
What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7?
The wrong answer.
A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards
right down the middle.
When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and
the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry,
but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2
iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at
It hit him in the temple and killed him.
He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at
the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is
"Yes, I am," he replied.
St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"
The golfer replied,
"You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor
comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms
or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises
him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes
him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso
pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The
father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his
head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The
father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant "take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs
pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up
on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right....
right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into
him and kills him.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans
his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the
bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?"
The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
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