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Today's jokes [2.13.17]

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started 
back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted 
to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound 
intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" The 
first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this 
demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For 
whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in 
that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why 
did you die?" 

1. 




I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar 
looking for me and I asked for her number.

2. 




Q: How do you get AIDS from a toilet seat? 

A: If you sit down before the other guy gets off.

3. 




                                 Bad Jokes
     
   
The following riddles and jokes were made up by BADJOKE.EXE, an MS-DOS
program.  You probably haven't heard most of them.  Please try not to laugh
too hard and feel free to flame as much as you like--we are all like
passengers on the deck of the Titanic discussing what we're going to do when
we get to shore.

How can you tell when a mechanic has been behind your nuclear warhead?
There are nubile lambchops all over your pizza!

How can you tell when a pope has been coming towards your spaceship?
There are laughing travelling salesmen in your banana!

How do you get 100 gargoyles into a nuclear warhead?
Throw in a lawn sprinkler!

Why do motorcycles fold born-again eyeballs?
To diaper their skyscrapers!

Why do policemen have toilets?
So that yaks will disobey them!

What do you get when you cross a Barbie doll and a banana?
An angry nurse!

What did the Democrat say to the kettle drum?
"Ignore my eyeball, you square baby!"

What did the finger say ot the lawn sprinkler?
"Enlist my meatgrinder, you born-again cockroach!"

How can you tell when a water cooler has been beside your mule?
There are schizophrenic bathtubs all over your skyscraper!

Why do nuclear warheads have televisions?
So that photocopiers will interrogate them!

Who was that baby I saw you with last night?
That was no baby, that was my senator!

What do a hot toddler and a fossilized kneecap have in common?
The both eat flying hairballs!

When is a toothbrush not a toothbrush?
When it's a flabby cornfield!

What do you call a garbageman who has married milkmen beside him?
A Communist!

Waiter, there's a cranberry near my polar ice cap!
Shhh!  Everyone will want one!

Why do yaks have fingers?
So that Hare Krishnas will break them!

How do you get 100 horses into a drainpipe?
Throw in a teapot!

What do you get when you cross an escalator and a grandmother?
A thirsty spatula!

What do a lovesick armadillo and a grouchy tank have in common?
They both smash lazy lollipops!

Why do popes bathe automatic horses?
To satisfy their SubGeniuses!

What time is it when a kettle drum steals your senator?
Time to get a new senator!

What do a married shark and a left-handed pocketwatch have in common?
They both visit hi-rise armadillos!

What do you call a guru who has yawning armadillos inside him?
A violin!

Why do ex-convicts have televisions?
So that toilets will dissect them!

How do you get 100 beds into a Barbie doll?
Throw in a toenail!

When is a cornfield not a cornfield?
When it's a worthless whale!

How can you tell when a senator has been inside your bed?
There are hi-rise parking tickets up against your toilet!

Why do TV repairmen have beds?
So that VCRs will visit them!

When is a pencil sharpener not a pencil sharpener?
When it's a religious milk shake!

What do a green photocopier and a gaudy farmer have in common?
They both buy yellow prunes!

Why do armadillos have babies?
So that snakes will steal them!

What do a greedy teapot and a housebroken phonebook have in common?
They both stall born-again BMWs!

What did the toothbrush say to the sloth?
"Smash my horse, please!"

How do you get 100 bums into a hovercraft?
Throw in a vicar!

What did the toenail say to the cookie jar?
"Disobey my eyelid, you drunk landmine!"

Why did the Hare Krishna marry his cornfield?
To enshrine its solar-powered parking ticket!

When is an insurance salesman not an insurance salesman?
When he's a beautiful grandmother!

What do a mellow puppy and an overworked shark have in common?
They both toast gold-plated giraffes!

What do you get when you cross a skyscraper and a TV repairman?
A holographic chicken!

What time is it when a fly swatter touches your toothbrush?
Time to get a new toothbrush!

Why do demons have aerobics instructors?
So that ostriches will cross-examine them!

What do you call a waitress who has brain-damaged pianos on her?
A lima bean!

What do an awe-inspiring fly swatter and a cheap flea have in common?
They both bounce wacky gods!

What time is it when a SubGenius cross-examines your kneecap?
Time to get a new kneecap!

Why do grandmothers enshrine hyperactive sharks?
To befriend their prunes!

Why do toddlers have gargoyles?
So that forks will marry them!
  


4. 




   A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th
   anniversary. As the couple
   reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the
   husband, "When you
   first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your
   mind?"
   The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out,
   and suck your tits
   dry."
   Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
   He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
   


5. 



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