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Today's jokes [12.3.17]

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This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get 
ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, 
and says, "I'll be home in an hour." 

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him 
to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and 
waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no 
wife? 

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I 
won't be there for about an hour and a half." 

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I 
do?" he asks. 

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you 
have a housekeeper around?" 

"Yes" the man replied. 

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said 
the Doctor. 

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra 
with the housekeeper..."

1. 




An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his 
neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he
looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared
out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband
wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his
wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer
replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"

2. 




Age       Sport
        17         sex
        25         sex
        35         sex
        48         sex
        66         napping

3. 




                                  The Diet
     
   
BREAKFAST
        1/2 grapefruit
        1 slice whole wheat toast
        8 oz glass skim milk

LUNCH
        4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
        1 cup steamed zucchini
        1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
        rest of the package of Oreo cookies
        1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
        1 jar hot fudge

DINNER
        2 loaves garlic bread
        1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
        1 large pitcher of beer
        3 Milky Way candy bars
        1 entire cheesecake

DIET TIPS
        1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
        2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar,
                they cancel each other out.
        3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count
                if you both eat the same amount.
        4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories.
                These include any chocolate used for energy,
                brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
        5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage
                causes the calories to leak out.
        6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the
                calories don't count.
        7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because
                they are part of the entertainment, and not ones
                of personal fuel.
  


4. 




Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting?
A: He didn't get any because he couldn't throw the dog high enough.

5. 



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