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Today's jokes [11.3.17]

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How is a woman like a road? 

    -Both have manholes. 

1. 




What do you call a man with his right hand in a sharks mouth?

Lefty. 

2. 




Easter is approaching. Father O'Maley checks estimates for the flower
decoration of the altar.
The catholic florist - $ 300. "Too expensive" moans the priest.
The protestant florist - $ 250, "No, it would not be right to buy at
another Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather 
small." But lo! Solly Goldberg - $ 75!!!
Religion or economics? After much consideration, Solly obtains the
contract.
On Easter Sunday morning, Goldberg's men deliver the flowers: wonderful
roses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O'Maley's last 
reservations are discarded.
When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificent
flower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription:
"Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always stay the same."

3. 




How to be a Good Wife

Excerpted from a 1950's high school home economics textbook


Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a 
delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you 
have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. 
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good 
meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you'll be 
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in 
your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of 
work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. 
His boring day may need a life.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of 
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up the school 
books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. 
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, 
and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's 
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if 
necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he 
would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise 
of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the 
children to be quiet. Be happy to see him; greet him with a smile 
and be glad to see him.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't 
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with 
what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. 
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in 
the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his 
pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, 
soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the 
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to 
dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to 
understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home 
and relax.

Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where 
your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.



4. 




   A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
   could buy him a drink.
   "Why of course," comes the reply.
   The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
   "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
   The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's
   have another round to
   Ireland."
   "Of course," replies the second man.
   Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
   "Dublin," comes the reply.
   "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's
   have another drink to
   Dublin."
   "Of course," replies the second man.
   Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you
   go to?"
   "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
   "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's
   and I graduated in '62,
   too!"
   About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
   "What's been going
   on?" he asks the bartender.
   "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk
   again."
   


5. 



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