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Today's jokes [11.12.17]

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Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex?

Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked 

1. 




                      New Chemical Element Discovered
     
   
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively
named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic
number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75
vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass
of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the
continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally
occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which
assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each
reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as
government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be
found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium
can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.
  


2. 




Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing
 ---------------------------------

 It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man
 volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is
 put into motion.

 (1) The woman goes to the store.
 (2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
 (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on
     a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it
     to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
 (4) The man places the meat on the grill.
 (5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check
     the vegetables.
 (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is
     burning.
 (7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the
     woman.
 (8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the
     table.
 (9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the
     dishes.
 (10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night
     off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that
     there's just no pleasing some women.

3. 




Q: What do you call a woman with no asshole?
A: Divorced.


4. 




The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacher
to began his sermon when two masked men burst into the
church and said "Whoever is not willing to take a bullet
for Jesus better leave now." More than half of the
congregation jumped up and ran out the door. 

The two men took off their masks, sat in the front row
and said, "Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All the
hyprocrites are gone."

5. 



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