Today's stories [10.8.17]
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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember
Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what
is growing in your butt?"
Wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, a thief burst into the
bank one day. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment,
everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard
completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved
his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't
have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The would-be
thief ran away and is still at large.
How to win that war
Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us
for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks,
moisturizer with SPF 15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna and
drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and
let us do what comes naturally.
Think about it.
Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff, like grocery
shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in
We have had our children. We would gladly suffer or die to protect them
and their future. We would like to get away from our husbands, if they
haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of
finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being
struck by lightening. We have nothing to lose.
We have survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet,
and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost
a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of
Afghanistan with no food at all!
We have spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars,
hardware stores, or sporting events----finding bin Laden in some cave
will be no problem.
Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh,
please.... we have been planning seating arrangements for in-laws and
extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years---we understand
Between us, we have divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is
for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources.
We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it.... with or
without the government's help.
Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we
crawl like ants with hot flashes over their godforsaken terrain!!!
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