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Today's jokes [10.7.17]

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A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store.  The man said 
to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. But I 
have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong.  It was my 
old man."
The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law, we'll 
sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice 
in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too.  I therefore sentence you both 
to 90 days in jail."



1. 




                      Letter from Daughter to Parents
     
   
Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss
in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having
written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,
please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull  fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get
those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant
at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire
department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since
I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough
to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room,
but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in
love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but
it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
to being grrandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the
love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason
for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection
which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly
caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections
I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and
although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different
race and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will not
permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker
than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is
good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the
village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was
no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was
not in the hospital,  I am not pregnant,  I am  not engaged. I do not have
syphillis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting
a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks
in the proper perspective.

Yours-
        Your Loving Daughter
  


2. 




   What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg ?
   1) You only get laid once.
   2) You only get eaten once.
   3) It takes you seven min. to get hard in boiling water.
   4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
   5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
   


3. 




   The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the
   house before, and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the
   proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local
   hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a "man's world"
   there.
   
   Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on that she
   was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look and sound as
   if she knew what she was doing. Completing her first group of
   purchases she took them to the clerk at the counter and looking behind
   him she discovered she hadn't bought any files. She pointed to one and
   said "May I have one of those ?"
   
   The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said, "What... one of
   those bastards ?"
   
   Without a pause, she said, "Yeah ! And ya better give me a few of
   those Son-of-a-Bitches next to 'em too."


4. 




A man and his date walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier after
having eaten a very expensive lunch at one of Beverly Hills most
exclusive restaurants.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an
absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the
furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that
particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may
come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared the bank."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.
The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?!
There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy,

"to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

5. 



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