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Today's jokes [1.6.17]

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A guy driving a truck in the middle of nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker.
It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the
hitch-hiker wakes up,"what the hell was that?". The truck driver
replies, "some kinda animal, go back to sleep."
Further the same thing again, bang, "What the hell was that?",
"some kinda animal again."
Further into the night, bang, bang, bang, "What the hell was that?",
"Some bastard!". "How terrible",says the hitch-hiker, "but there were
3 bangs"
The truck driver replies, "Yeah, well I had to go through two fences
to get the bastard. . ."

1. 




Why don't witches wear panties?

So they can get a better grip on the broom.

2. 




   With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been
   formed called "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever a guy feels like getting
   married, they send over a woman with crulers in her hair, cream on her
   face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.


3. 




A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City.
He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman
checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the
crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even
a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's
Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening
to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where
the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says
in a solemn voice:

"Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38.
Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . ." 

4. 




A man took his wife to the doctors.
After a short examination the doctor said
"Your wife's mind has completely gone!"
To which the man replied "I'm not surprised.
She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!"

5. 



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