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Today's jokes [1.5.17]

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   Little Johnny says to his mother " Mommy, I have to go and tinkle."
   The mother replies back " Would you like Mommy to take you?".
   Little Johnny says " No let grandma . . . her hand shakes! "
   


1. 




This one hasn't come up despite the presence of UCLA on the net.  I'm
led to the sad conclusion that the tradition has died.

In the mid '70s, just before it was overrun by fanatic Dungeons \&
Dragons (tm) players, the UCLA Computer Club was host to a long series
of "glitter traps."  Example: joke subject sits at a desk, pulls out a
drawer.  A string runs from the back of the drawer, up the wall, into
the false ceiling, over to a spot directly over the subject's head,
where it triggers the trap: a mousetrap whose action snaps a card away
from its position covering a funnel, releasing a handful of glitter,
which flows down the funnel, through its spout, through a hole in the
ceiling acoustic tile, onto the subject.  It was wonderful to watch: a
muffled snapping noise, a quiet "chuff," and the slow, glittery descent
of a cloud of brightly colored dust, to settle over the head and
shoulders of a club member who by now has assumed an expression of
appreciative resignation.

Another, more short-lived ploy was to suspend a wooden horseshoe by a
string from the ceiling in the corridor, such that the horseshow
dangles a couple of inches above the top of an upright broom.  Most
conventional brooms will stand on their straws with a little coaxing.
We attached a sign labeling the horseshow "wood magnet."  Quite a few
people took it at face value.



2. 




Mr.Richman has 3daughters. Their names are nobody, somebody and crazy.
One day nobody and somebody are fighting over a fake eyebrow. Then crazy
when to the policeman and she said"Nobody and Somebody are fighting" Then
the policeman look at her then he said "What are you
talking about?" Then she said again "Nobody and Somebody are fighting"
Then the policeman said "What? Are you crazy?" Then she said "Yes but how
did you know my name?"



3. 




There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment.
One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store.
He went up to the shop assistant and asked "Could I have a fucket
please?"
The assistant asked"Pardon sir?".
"Can I have a fucket please?" Replied the man. 
"Oh you mean a bucket!" The shop assistant replied.
The old man said "Yes, that's what I said". So the man paid for his
bucket and went into the antique shop. 

In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked -
"Can I have a cock please?" 
The cashier looked very puzzled and asked "Pardon?". 
The man again asked "Can I have a cock please?" 
The cashier replied "Oh you mean a clock! - yes certainly sir." 
So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop. 

The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant and
asked "Can I have a bum please?" 
The assistant said "Sorry sir what did you say?". 
So he repeated himself "Can I have a bum please?". 
The assistant said " Oh right, you mean a bun!". 
The old man said "Yes that's what I said in the first place."
So the man bought a bun and walked out of the shop. 

As he was walking down the street a little old lady came up to
him and asked "Excuse me sir, but do you know the time?"
The man replied "Yes certainly, hold my bum and fucket while
I get my cock out." 

4. 




If the bird of wisdom is an owl, and the bird of peace 
is the dove, what is the bird of TRUE love?

The Swallow. 


Sent by Denise

5. 



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