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Today's jokes [1.4.17]

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How do you make a cat drink?

1 cat
2 lemons
Vodka
Mix then serve

1. 




Why do Black widow spiders kill there mates after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts..



2. 




Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than
to improving their minds? 

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

3. 




This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's 
pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the
dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries
its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, 
hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy,
"Did you hear that Fluffy died?".
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. er.. no.. what happened?".
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day.
But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went
outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him
back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

4. 




Two gay male lovers were talking and Bob says to Jon, "I wish I had chest 
hair like you" So the next day Bob goes to the doctor and asks for 
something to grow chest hair. The doctor gives him something and he says 
"It will work in about two months." Two months later Bob has no hair on 
his chest and back to the doctor he goes. The Doctor says, 'Rub some 
Vaseline on your chest, and in a week you will be growing hair.' Jon comes 
home that day seeing Bob rub Vaseline and asks "Why?" Bob says "to grow 
chest hair" Jon says if Vaseline grows hair you would have a ponytail 
comin' out your ass!"

5. 



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