Today's jokes [1.12.17]
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Two wives were airing their troubles:
"I'd like to get a divorce," said the first.
"My husband and I just don't get along."
"Why don't you sue him for incompatibility?"
asked the second.
"I would if I could catch him at it,"
replied the first.
TOP15.Some of the myths about marriage...
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is
heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife
explains that he must not be in tune
with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing
is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He
walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She
can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they
go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to
the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife
is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not
care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you
don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The
wife is jumping up and
down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I
am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want you to HOLD
this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to
explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my
financial needs as a Man!!!"
TECHNOLOGY FOR THE COUNTRY FOLK
What high-tech lingo becomes once it goes north of the
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag
MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all
MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore
MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the
Declaration of Independence?" He said, "Damn if I know." She was a little
put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his
father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son,
sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quiz
and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who
signed the Declaration of Independence?" "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny
said, "I told you I didn't know." The father jumped up in the back,
pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that
damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!"
Sent by Kelly
Why didnt NASA send a woman to the moon yet?
Because it does not need to be cleaned!
I was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was
talking about marriage, and then his wife. He drank some, then said,
"Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is... well... my wife knows
nothing of my wants and needs... she's hardly ever in the mood for
sex... I guess what it comes down to is that my wife just doesn't
understand me at all, does yours ?"
I thought about it a minute or two, then said. "I don't think so
George, as a matter of fact, I don't recall her ever even mentioning
your name at all."
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