Today's jokes [1.10.17]
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Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers
For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric
bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs
dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs
spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than
that of light, and that dark is faster than light.
The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.
Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark
sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking
lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all
things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they
can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark
sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. lA new candle has a white
wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,
representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a
pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black
because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle.
Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all
of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When
the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before
the portable dark sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this
mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark
sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the
solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of
heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is
also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets
slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty
feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to
the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The
immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect
the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through
turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it
may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get
dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this
problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in
the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not
to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark,
they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to
stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly
open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but
since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the
In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives
much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that
it is indeed a dark sucker.
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy
with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher
says to the guy with a Chihuahua, 'Let's go over to
that restaurant and get something to eat.'
The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us.'
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'Just follow my lead.'
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman
Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk
in. A guy at the door says, 'Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.'
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog.'
The guy at the door says, 'A Doberman Pinscher?' He says, 'Yes,
they're using them now, they're very good.'
The guy at the door says, 'Come on in.'
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, 'What the hell,' so he puts
on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, 'Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.'
The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You don't understand. This is
my seeing-eye dog.'
The guy at the door says, 'A Chihuahua?'
The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?'
Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on,
indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.
One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, "Who
turned on the fucking lights!"
"Oh, no sir," the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the
breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights.'"
Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres has a new line of sneakers "coming
They're called "dykeees". They have a longer than normal tongue and you
can get them off with one finger!
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit
hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the
rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and
was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had
become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The
driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the
highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel
terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She
went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to
the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the
rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw
at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit
stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50
yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. The man was
astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the
woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in
your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned
the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair
spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
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