Today's jokes [6.20.14]
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Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says,
"Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear
his collar backwards."
The priest says "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."
Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest
in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good
news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When
I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad
"The guy was your doctor."
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet
rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard
which is full and bushy.
Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
"Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak
to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there
anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
What is the difference between the government and the Mafia?
One of them is organized.
Why does a cow wear a bell?
Because his horns are broke!
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