Today's jokes [10.16.12]

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One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the 
house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband 
was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and 
started to masturbate.
She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband 
walked in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor.
He glanced through the mail and said to his wife, "Honey, when you're 
finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner?"

One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today.
It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."

A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast
Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot.
However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.
"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
"I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have made it."

                                The Cop Quiz
     
   
                               By -=ShoEboX=-
    (This article originally appeared in Putsch Electronic Magazine.)

        Are you ready to be pulled over?  Are you prepared to hand over
your license and registration in the middle of the night to a prejudiced
pig who doesn't like you or your Dead Kennedys bumper sticker?  Take this
simple quiz and find out!

        Listed below are several questions asked by a cop who has just
pulled you over.  Below the questions are several possible responses.
Choose the best response to each.  Check your answers at the end.

1.  Do you know why I'm pulling you over, son/maam?
    a.  No, sir.
    b.  Because you're lonely?
    c.  To ask me if I have any Grey Poupon?
    d.  Because I ran down that old lady in the wheelchair?
    e.  Because you wanted a donation to your police station?  (Handing him
        a fifty or two)
    f.  Because of the Stealth Bomber I have in tow?
    g.  Because I'm pedaling too fast?
    h.  Because I'm Ice-T?

2.  Can I see your license and registration?
    a.  Yes sir. (handing them over)
    b.  Can I see your high school diploma?  Oh, I forgot...you're a cop.
    c.  Wanna see pictures too?  (pulling a string of family photos out of
        your wallet) Here's my mommy, my daddy, my sister, my friend, my
        dog, my toilet, your mom bent over with a light bulb in her...oh,
        how did THAT picture get in here?
    d.  I don't have a license, and this car is stolen.
    e.  (pull it out and read it to him veeeery slowly, not ever handing
        it to him)

3.  Would you mind stepping out of the car?
    a.  Of course, sir.  (getting out)
    b.  What?  In this weather?
    c.  Are you kidding?  I'm too drunk to stand up!
    d.  First, repeat after me:  "I realize that you are not Rodney King."
    e.  This is a motorcycle, dumbass.

4.  Walk along this line.
    a.  Yes sir.  (walking the line)
    b.  No thanks...I just snorted one.
    c.  Duuuude...which one?  The wavy one, the colorful one, or the one
        in the middle that's laughing at me?
    d.  Are you sure you wouldn't rather I skip merrily in a figure eight?

5.  You call that a straight line?
    a.  Yes, sir.
    b.  Well, officer Pythagoras, the only way YOU could see a straight
        line is by looking at your own brain wave pattern!  (NOTE:  This is
        stolen from Emo Phillips)

6.  Do you want to spend the night in jail?
    a.  No sir.
    b.  What are they serving for dinner?
    c.  That depends.  Are YOU gonna be there, big fella?  (smiling
        seductively)
    d.  Do the cells have ESPN?
    e.  Sure!  I haven't seen your mom in months!

7.  Hey, that's my car!  Don't pee on that!
    a.  Yes, sir (zipping up)
    b.  Yes, sir (turning around and peeing on him)

SCORING
-------
Give yourself 13 points for each time you answered "a".
Give yourself 83 points if you answered "e" for #1.
Give yourself 346 points if you ignored #7 because it isn't going to happen.
Give yourself 8,425 points if you RECOGNIZED answer "b" of #5 from an Emo
        Phillips routine.
Give yourself 24,983 points if you skipped right over this scoring section.

Subtract your score from your score to get the IQ of an average racist LAPD
cop.
  

A man goes into a doctor's office and says "Doctor! Doctor! I have five
penises!"
The doctor says,"Good lord! How do your pants fit?"
The man replies, "Like a glove."

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