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Today's jokes [8.16.08]

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Why did the Avon lady walk funny? 

     Her lipstick. 


What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma?
When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.


A ventriloquist working down South, is confronted by a
theater patron during his show.  The hick stands up and
yells, "HEY YOU! ON STAGE!  You been making smart-ass
remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long!
We're not all stupid ya know!"

"Relax," said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"

"Shut up, buddy," the hick replied, "I'm talking to that
little bastard sitting on your knee!"


A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.
The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?"
He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"


An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and
famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading:
"George and the Dragon."
     He knocked.
     The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
     "Could ye spare some victuals?"
     The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
     "Could I have a pint of ale?"
     "No!" she shouted.
     "Could I at least use your privvy?"
     "No!" she shouted again.
     The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
     "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
     "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"


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