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Today's jokes [5.5.05]

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Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further 
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition 
was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as 
yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your 
name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find 
better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer 
the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply...

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating 
it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture 
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a 
little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by thetruckload" 
indicates that you may be interested in me for something otherthan my 
personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about 
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time onyour 
hands!
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten 
up repeatedly at recess.
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying 
to
kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals aninherent 
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of StarTrek
u
niforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect 
that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I amseeking in 
a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, 
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit 
your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really 
necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
___________

1.   Vote:    Categories: Letters, Women, Marriage and Relationships Send this joke to a friend




Microsoft Market Penetration
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

INTRODUCING CONTRACEPTIVE98 ! ! !

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a
suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft
has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It
believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in
penetrating the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for
virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the
non-propagation of life.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98,
DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton
Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the
package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions.
Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client / Server edition, for
professionals in the sexual services sector.

Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups,
aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory
channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be
known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION

Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the
package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum
hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and
is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After
installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must
have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is
complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message,
"It is now safe to turn off your partner."

DRAWBACKS

Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern
during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious
error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these
have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its
used.

CONCLUSION

Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a
reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to
its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software,
that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore,
Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera (Peepy Cam).
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's
potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help our
customers do to each other what we've been doing to them for years."



2.   Vote:    Category: Computer Related Send this joke to a friend




Q: Why do New Zealanders have sex with sheep on the edge of mountains?
A: So they push back harder.


3.   Vote:    Category: Ethnic Send this joke to a friend




   Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3
   children.
   The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash,and
   there are only three
   parachutes.
   The doctor yells out, " Save the children"
   The lawyer yells out "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"
   The priest yells out " IS THERE TIME?"
   


4.   Vote:    Categories: Situations, Religion and Church Send this joke to a friend




This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would
spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house,
he was told that the only way he could play today was if he
was willing to play along with three nuns. 
He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole
he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first. 
He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker.
"Goddammit!" he said.
"Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language
around us." said the nun. 
"I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again." 
The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty
yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them. 
"Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fuck!" exclaims the nun. 
"Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man. 
"Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree." 

5.   Vote:    Categories: Sports, Religion and Church Send this joke to a friend



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