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Today's jokes [5.31.05]

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A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house 
in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a 
couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another 
couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some 
bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, 
and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and 
the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a 
brothel" replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

1.   Vote:    Categories: Situations, Sex Send this joke to a friend




   Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark.
   They start
   raping the nuns and the first nun says, "Forgive them, Father, for
   they know not what they
   do!" The second one says, "This one does!"
   


2.   Vote:    Categories: Sex, Religion and Church Send this joke to a friend




Why haven't Women landed on the Moon? 

     - Because it doesn't need cleaning yet! 

3.   Vote:    Category: Women Send this joke to a friend




Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no 
arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a 
head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all 
in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with 
no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the 
bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can 
still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he 
decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and 
places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head 
starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three 
years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two 
minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap 
on me!"

4.   Vote:    Category: Sports Send this joke to a friend




A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every 
day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round 
and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is 
a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, 
she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they 
play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close 
match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer
and she wins their little competition on the last hole.

He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift 
when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly 
enjoyable morning.

On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's 
company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself 
so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd 
like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated 
everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her 
appreciation... 

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests 
they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and 
slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they 
have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and 
playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at 
the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her 
appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. 
This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the 
car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he 
has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner 
for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of 
passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel. 

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to 
this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she 
admits the reason.

"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."

He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to 
a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. 
"I'm sorry," she repeats.

"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating 
bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"

5.   Vote:    Categories: Sports, Situations Send this joke to a friend



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