Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls 
down on top of his penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mom comes 
running into the room wondering what's going on. He tells his mother 
"Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss it better."

"Johnny you are getting more and more like your father everyday."
His mother says.

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman. 
He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss?" 
"Don't Miss me, mister." 
"Well then, you better make it 13." 

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes,
and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them
in the dark until they mature into something you'd want
to have dinner with.

   Out All Night Drinking

   An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally
   says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat
   on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
   maybe that will sober him up.
   Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls
   home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
   through the door and up the stairs.
   When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time
   he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
   He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at
   him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
   "How did you know?" he asks.
   "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Death row sing along

There was an inmate on death row, and he was scheduled to be put to death 
by firing squad the next morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards 
were being very nice to him.
But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, 
he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something 
special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.
Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he 
wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it 
over with." 
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the 
guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"
The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I 
would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time 
through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go 
ahead.
The inmate started..."One million bottles of beer on the wall......!"