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Today's jokes [5.26.05]

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What are 3 problems about being an egg?

You only get laid once, the only woman to sit on your face
is your mother, and it takes 4 minutes to get hard.

1.   Vote:    Category: Animal World Send this joke to a friend

Little Joey and Little Danny, both aged 5, are walking home from

 Danny says "I won't be going to school tomorrow." 

"Why not?" asks Joey. 

"I have to go to the hospital," says Danny woefully. 

"That's awful," says Joey. "Why do you have to go there? Are you

Danny shakes his head and replies, "I have to have a circumcision." 

Joey stops dead in his tracks, an expression of complete horror across
his face, "That's Horrible!" he cries, "Why, I had that done when I was
born, and I couldn't walk for MONTHS!!"

2.   Vote:    Category: Children Send this joke to a friend

   One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not
   finding his mother in the
   kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
   He opens the door,
   and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for
   lunch, stripped naked,
   on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.
   Not wanting to
   traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.
   Billy watches, and after a
   couple of minutes asks,"Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"
   "Of course, Son,
   we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his
   mother starts
   moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is
   where me and the
   mailman usually falls off!"

3.   Vote:    Categories: Children, Sex Send this joke to a friend

   A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the woman behind the counter, "Is
   there a male pharmacist available?"
   "No" she says, "My sister and I own this place and we are both
   pharmacists. How can we help you?"
   The man steps back, opens his coat revealing this rather large bulge
   in the front of his pants and says, "Its been like this for 7 days
   now, can you give me anything for it?"
   "Hmmm", says the woman, "Let me go consult my sister."
   Moments later she returns and says, "OK, we'll give you $400 cash and
   a half interest in the pharmacy."

4.   Vote:    Category: Medicine Send this joke to a friend

                      Are You About to Employ a Robot?
This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB  Psychology
Department.   It  is  intended  to be used by companies  that  are
recruiting on campus.  With this test you can determine whether an
applicant you are interviewing is a Robot,  a Vulcan/Math MAjor,  or a
Liberal Arts major.

       Tear off here, and administer test below to students

 Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.

1.   If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____
          0) Shakespeare  1) Math books   2) Fluid oil

2.   If I could have any job, I would be a _____
          0) writer  1) professor    2) McDonald's employee

3.   On weekends, I go to _____
          0) The beach    1) The library  2) goto 10

4.   My favorite hobby is _____
          0) Poetry  1) Open math problems     2) memorizing

5.   I have taken ______ English classes.
          0) Many    1) Enough to communicate  2) fori=1to++x10goto10

6.   What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2?
          0) Ask a Vulcan      1) In my head   2) Brute force with
                                               Cray 2 Supercomputer

7.   What have you learned in school that you value the most?
          0) Latin   1) How to operate my HP-28C  2) Complex Analysis

8.   In between classes, I like to _____
          0) Talk with my friends   1)  Study proofs  2) Add numbers on
                                                      my calculator

9.   When I have a report due, I type it on_____
          0) My manual typewriter
          1) The school's word processor
          2) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud

10.  Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____
          0) Friends      1) Books   2) Calculator manuals

11.  The best use of a computer is _____
          0) A door stop    1) Graphing functions  2) Friends

12.  When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____
          0) A hamburger  1) A twinkie    2) Thrown out

13.  What part of speech is "interface"?
          0) A noun  1) A noun and a verb   2) Not enough data

14.  What do you consider to be paradise?
          0) Total happiness   1) Total knowledge   2) Two calculators

15.  What type of music do you like?
          0) Popular music     1) Classical music   2) Static noise

16.  What is your favorite game?
          0) Monopoly     1) Chess   2) Data entry races

17.  My favorite Movie show is _____
          0) Ruthless People   1) Star Trek II      2) Short Circuit

18.  If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____
          0) Write it on my arm
          1) Derive it during test
          2) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks

19.  The person I marry must have_____
          0) Beauty  1) Intelligence      2) An RS232 serial port

20.  What I fear the most is _____
          0) Death   1) Emotions     2) Water


Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look at
the following table.

00-14  Liberal Arts
15-20  Vulcan/Math Major
21-40  Robot!!!

5.   Vote:    Categories: Tests, School and College, Science Related Send this joke to a friend

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