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Today's jokes [5.19.05]

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Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him 
that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in 
heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him 
a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.
Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who 
says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your 
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - 
St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, 
one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the 
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel 
says to the other,  "My goodness!  Fidel has been in hell no more than
ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

1.   Vote:    Category: Politics Send this joke to a friend

Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.

2.   Vote:    Categories: Roads and Driving, Men Send this joke to a friend

The Story of Micro and Mini

Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band
protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices,
even if it meant time-sharing.

One evening he arrived home, just as the Sun was crashing and had parked his
Motorola 6800 in the main drive (he missed the 5100 bus that morning ), when
he noticed an elegant piece of hardware escorting her daisy wheels in his
garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly," "I'll see if she'd
like an update tonight."

Mini was her name, and she was delightfull, engineered with eyes like COBOL and
a Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all over
the place.

He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit floating
point processors and inquired "How are you Honey Well?." "Yes I am well," she
responded, batting her optical fibres engagingly and smoothing her console over
her curvilinear functions.

Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," he
said, "How about computing a vector to my base address?" "I will cut out a byte
to eat, and maybe we could get an offset later on."

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then transmitted OK. "I've
been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my
disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside. She
walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a
global variable, I wonder if she'd like my firmware?."

They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips and
a bucket of bawdots. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguous
arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowlegments, although, in reality, he
was  analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He
finally settled on the old "would you like to see my benchmark subroutine?" but
Mini was again one step ahead.

Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full
functionality of her operating software. "Let's get Basic, you RAM," she said.
Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware polling module had a processor
of it's own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer (a hang-up that
Micro had consulted his analyst about). "Core," was all he could say, as she
prepared to log him off.

Micro soon recovered, however, when he went down on the DEC and opened her
device files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root
device and was about to start pushing her CPU stack, when she attempted an
escape sequence ....

"No, No" she cried, "You are not shielded."

"Reset, Baby," he replied, "I've been debugged."

"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child
processes," she protested.

"Don't run away," he said, "I will generate an interrupt."

"No that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."

Micro was locked in by this stage though, and could not be turned off. But Mini
soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply,
whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

"Computers," She thought as she compiled herself, "All they ever think of is

3.   Vote:    Category: Computer Related Send this joke to a friend

Job Applicant:  "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."
Employer:  "I'm sorry, we already have enough cosultants."
Applicant:   "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an 
Employer:  "More than we can use already."
Applicant:  As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do
paperwork, I'll be a clerk,  If you have too many, I'll start as a 
Employer:  "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for 
a person with your qualifications."
Applicant:  As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd 
have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"
Employer:  "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a 
seat, we may have an opening."

4.   Vote:    Categories: At Work, Lawers and Legal Send this joke to a friend

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
 and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
 He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

     The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me
 back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart
 and brave you are and how you are my hero"  The man took the
 frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

     The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me
 back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion
 for an entire week."  The man took the frog out of his pocket,
 smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

      The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
 a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."
 Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back
 into his pocket.

      Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm
 a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do
 anything you want.  Why won't you kiss me?"

      The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have
 time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

5.   Vote:    Category: Computer Related Send this joke to a friend

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