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Today's jokes [5.17.05]

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Like, A Totally California State Residency Application...
   (Feel free to use popular nicknames, such as "Moon Beam", "Dweezil",
   "Moon Unit" "Capt. Trips", etc.)

   Age: _____________

   Inner Child's Age: _______

   Age in Dog Years: _______

   Age as told to you in a vision by ancient Mayan calendar: ________

   _____ M   _____ F

   _____ Hermaphrodite

   _____ Still working it out in therapy

   Footwear: ____ Birkenstocks ____ Barefoot
   Condition of Feet:

   ____ Wash Daily   ____ Wash Weekly

   ____ Like, whenever I get to
   the beach, man...
   ___ Massage Therapist
   ___ Astral Counsel
   ___ Pet Psychologist
   ___ Channeler of the Dead (real dead, not
   merely Grateful)
   ___ Follower of the Dead, (Grateful)
   ___ Tie-dye vendor at Dead Shows
   ___ Vendor of "nice hot, fresh veggie
   burritos" at concerts
   ___ Cooking up a scheme to channel Jerry
   ___ Assistant to Shirley MacLaine
   ___ Rent-A-Mob protester
   ___ Purveyor of Fine Herbal Remedies
   ___ Panhandler claiming to be a veteran
   ___ Professional Guest on Ricki Lake
   ___ LA rock star groupie
   ___ Bottom-feeding LA lawyer
   ___ Professional Emotional Victim

   Name(s) of Significant Other(s): ________________________________
   Relationship(s) of Significant Other(s):

   ____ Astral Soulmate

   ____ One-night stand from the protest rally who stayed because the
   was cheap

   ____ My dog's massage therapist

   ____ "Just Friends"

   ____ They're really not that significant, but I'll try to claim them
   tax deduction(s)

   Number of Children in Commune: _____

   Number of Inner Children In Commune: _____
   Number of your Inner Children which have been molested by one of

   Roseanne's multiple personalities: ____

   Mother's Name: ____________________   Father's Name: ____________________

   Where were you were conceived:

   ____ Woodstock   
   ____ Monterey

   ____ Under the stars on in the commune's
   hot tub

   ____ In the back of a VW micro-bus on the
   way to a Dead show
   Name of book exposing your parents as inner-child abusers:

   Number of copies sold: ____

   Number of Wind Chimes Owned: ____
   Number of times you've given yourself a concussion by hitting head on
   wind chimes: ___

   Number of time you've channeled dead space aliens: ____

   Number of times a space alien has copped a feel off you: ____
   Talk Shows on Which You Make a Regular Appearance:

   ____ Donahue   ____ Ricki Lake   ____ Geraldo   ____ Sally Jesse
   ____ The morning news' surf report

   Number of times you've eaten your surfboard: ____

   Above, while still in parking lot after tripping on your sandals: ____

   Number of Grateful Dead concerts attended: ____ (if all, enter "on

   Number of bongs you own: ____
   Number of times you've drunk your bong water because the weed ran out:

   Political Party Affiliation: (Choose as many as you have

   ____ Green Party
   ____ American Communist
   ____ Socialist Party
   ____ New Age Astral Party (channeling the spirits of dead Romans)
   ____ Hemp Party
   ____ The Party-Hearty Party ____ Inner Child Abuse
   Hotline Party
   ____ New Age Goddess Party

   How far is your home from the waterline:
   ___ Miles
   ___ Yards
   ___ Feet
   ___ I like to wake up with sand in my nose and seaweed in my teeth, in
   true harmony with nature as it washes up my nose

   Number of surfboards owned: ____
   Number of seconds you can talk without using the words "totally",

   "like", "man" and "fer shure": ____ (enter, like 0, if you, like,
   totally don't know)

1.   Vote:    Category: Tests Send this joke to a friend

   It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just
   waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at
   the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
   "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
   Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks
   into his big bowl. It is also empty!
   "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
   Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
   and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through
   this? I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!!"

2.   Vote:    Category: Animal World Send this joke to a friend

Q: What does a man and a floor have in common?
   A: You lay them right the first time you can walk all over them 

3.   Vote:    Category: Men Send this joke to a friend

What's the definition of bravery?

A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

4.   Vote:    Category: Medicine Send this joke to a friend

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they 
would never have anything to do with women again.  They 
were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as 
far north as they could go and never look at a woman 

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told 
him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one 
year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each 
one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur 
around the hole.  The guyssaid "What's that board for?"  
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no 
women and you might need this."

They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"  The 
trader said," Well. take the boards with you, and if you 
don't use themI'll refund your money next year.  "Okay," 
they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said 
"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."  
The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a 

"Yeah" said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him" said the guy.


"I caught him in bed with my board."

5.   Vote:    Category: Men Send this joke to a friend

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