How can a man tell when his sperm count is elevated?
His girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

A husband from Long Island, kissed his wife goodbye and got into his 
Cadillac to drive to work in New York City. He'd gone about a mile when
he remembered that he'd left something in the bedroom. So he turned the 
car around and drove back home.
When he walked into the bedroom, there was his wife, lying totally nude on 
the bed and the neighbor standing totally nude beside her.
The quick-thinking neighbor promptly went into a squatting position on the 
rug and said, "I'm glad you're here, Mr. Jones, because I was just telling 
you wife that if she doesn't pay the milk bill, I'm gonna shit all over 
the floor."

This joke has been done 50 (yes, 50) years ago by my father-in-law.

First, a little background:

He lived in a small village, north-west of Quebec City along the St-Laurent
river. In those days, toilets were located outside the house in what
we call in good ol' french canadian 'becosse', from 'back house' I think.
These are a little wood shack with no floor over a hole in the ground
where you ... You can guess.

Now, for the joke:

He and a friend were thrown out of a party by the doorman.

When it was really dark,, the doorman went to investigate what was
knocking at the window. They had suspended a rock to the window
frame so it hung right it the middle and tied another string
to the rock and hid behind the 'becosse' where they pulled
that second string to make the rock knock in the window.
That's an old trick. The doorman wouldn't fall for that one. So
he followed the second string in the dark
and soon concluded that they were hidding behind the 'becosse'.

He ran toward the merely visible wood structure...

But my father-in-law and his friend had taken care of moving the
shack six feet ... Boy he fell in the shit !!
  

Good News, Bad News, Worse News VII
 
  Good: 
        The postman's early
   Bad: 
        He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
 Worse: 
        You gave him nothing for Christmas

At The Superbowl

   Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
   Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is
   in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the
   Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first
   quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the
   50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through
   the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
   As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse
   me, is anyone sitting here?"
   The man said "no".
   Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the
   man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would
   have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"
   The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
   supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
   Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
   "That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone
   to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
   "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."