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Today's jokes [6.8.04]

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WILE E. COYOTE, Plaintiff
   v.s.
   THE ACME COMPANY, INC., Defendant
   In the United States District Court,
   Southwestern District,
   Tempe, Arizona
   Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding
   Plaintiff, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous
   states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company,
   manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise,
   incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district
   and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries,
   loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct
   result the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under
   Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072,
   subsection (a), relating to product liability.
   Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has
   purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that
   company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him
   bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary
   labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are
   at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such
   injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his
   ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is
   self-employed and thus not eligible for Worker's Compensation.
   Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via
   parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to
   use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of
   the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate
   and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr.
   Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such
   sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a
   length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot
   forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and
   neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled.
   Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing
   jet trail along his path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote
   abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered
   sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this
   maneuver but was unable to do so, due to poorly designed steering and
   a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the
   unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into
   collision with the side of a mesa.
   Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B),
   prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple
   fractures, contusions and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a
   result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full
   bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full
   or partial casts on all four legs.
   Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to
   support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an
   aid to mobility one pair of rocket skates. When he attempted to use
   this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably
   similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant
   sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached
   powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with
   little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy
   casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after
   strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently
   as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
   Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this
   document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of the
   Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided
   Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order
   Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered into evidence as
   Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive
   purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner.
   To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal
   effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a
   wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward
   around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert
   floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical
   explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly
   down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed
   a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the
   spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the
   butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the bird seed, approached, and Mr.
   Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned
   down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.
   In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparation to
   naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in
   the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
   1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle.
   2. Sooty discoloration.
   3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in
   the aftershock with a creaking noise.
   4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking,
   frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
   5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
   We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of
   these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D.
   Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories
   of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to
   date no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and
   extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is
   simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to
   milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed into a
   tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release.
   Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon
   his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are
   at a premium.
   To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote
   affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent
   to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to
   frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals
   and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the
   lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed
   appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped
   near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension.
   Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the
   lanyard release.
   At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote
   forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown,
   the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote.
   As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in
   air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent
   feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and
   forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.
   The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon
   Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed.
   The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to
   bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs
   adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact
   with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or
   both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one,
   this process continued for some time.
   A sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr.
   Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways replacement of the
   tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of
   vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a
   vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr.
   Coyote's body tissues -- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr.
   Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he
   walked, and to emit off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step.
   The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a
   major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.
   As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of
   manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our
   contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the
   detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching
   powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and
   two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to distrust
   Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of
   supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners
   in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a
   giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most
   reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.
   Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger
   economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of
   seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual
   damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional
   occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering,
   injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees
   of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages:
   thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By
   awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure
   Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and
   assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right
   of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.


1.   Vote:    Category: Lawers and Legal Send this joke to a friend




Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty
girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.
 How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,
the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old
man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.




2.   Vote:    Category: Ouch! Send this joke to a friend




   This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a
   beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
   
   Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
   which the little boy responds "No."
   
   "Then you can't have one."
   
   A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I
   have on of those?"
   
   Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
   which the little boy responds "No."
   
   "Then you can't have one."
   
   Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and
   each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says
   "I just won $50,000"
   
   Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
   
   The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your
   asshole?"
   
   "Yes," Says grandpa.
   
   "Then go fuck yourself"
   


3.   Vote:    Category: Miscellaneous Send this joke to a friend




A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few 
drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly 
she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at 
the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- 
best sex he'd ever had.
He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with 
her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the 
emergency room.
A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think 
her orgasm's stuck!" 

4.   Vote:    Category: Sex Send this joke to a friend




Richard Olivier, the son of Sir Laurence Olivier and Joan Plowright
was only a little boy when, on the front at Brighton, he was
confronted by the sight of two dogs mating. The lad turned to Noel
Coward, who was the Olivier's house guest, and said, "What are they
doing, Uncle Noel?"
"The one in front is blind." said Coward unpeturbed, "and the one
behind is being very very sweet and pushing him all the way to
St. Dunstan's." 

5.   Vote:    Category: Historical Stuff Send this joke to a friend



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