Today's Jokes  |  Archives  |  Lists  |  Random  |  Register  |  RandJoke on Your Page  
 
 


Pokern
 
 
Today's jokes [6.23.04]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.


Mr. John Hinkley St. Elizabeth Hospital Washington D.C. 

Dear John, 

Hillary and I just wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased 
we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. 
In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you 
to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness. 
Therefore, we want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for 
shooting President Reagan. We are well aware of how mental stress and pain 
could have driven you to such an act of desperation. 
Hillary and I are confident you will soon make a complete recovery, and 
return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive 
citizen. 

Best wishes, 

Bill Clinton President United States of America 

P.S. Just thought you might like to know, Ken Starr is fucking Jodie 
Foster.

1.   Vote:    Category: Politics Send this joke to a friend




An old man and an old woman were sitting at the breakfast
table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. 
The old man said,"You know, 50 years ago, we were probably
sitting here buck naked." 
The woman said, "Why don't we try that again?" 
So they stripped and sat down at the table again. 
Soon the old woman said, "Honey, my titties are as hot for
you today as they were 50 years ago."
The man replied, "Of course they are dear, one's in your
oatmeal and the others in your coffee!" 

2.   Vote:    Category: Elderly Send this joke to a friend




Retire Aged Personell Early



TO      ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEES
FROM    GOVERNING BORED
DATE    22 APR 1986

1.      As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we must
drastically cut most salaries and reduce our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement,
thus permitting management to focus its abuse on younger
employees who represent our future.

2.      Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the
end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed
into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE
(Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will be
given the opportunity to work other jobs within the system at
greatly reduced pay. This phase of the reduction program is
called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

3.      All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may apply
for a new re- employment eligibility service. This service will
be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination). Current regulations state that employees may only
be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT as
many times as management deems appropriate.

4.      If an employee meets all of the above requirements,
he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired
Persons Entitlement System). HERPES is considered as a bonus plan
since the employee can no longer be RAPED and SCREWED by
management. RAPED personnel may also get Assistance for Immediate
Displacement Service (AIDS). Since AIDS has serious implications,
one should only request this service once.

5.      Employees can enhance their retention prospects by
signing up for additional training. It is now and always has been
the policy of management to ensure all employees are well trained
through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We have given
our employees more SHIT than any other organization in the
country. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough
SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management is
especially trained to ensure that you will get all the SHIT you
can stand.

6.      To ensure equal treatment of all MCCCD employees, only
upper-management and their selected brown-noses will be given
raises and exempt status from the above programs.

             Yu Bien Haad
             MCCCD GOVERNING BORED

P.S.    We in upper management would like to once again applaud
the HAYZE people for their very consistent and reasonable study;
heck, we couldn't have paid anyone to make up a better report!



3.   Vote:    Categories: Letters, At Work Send this joke to a friend




                                  The Diet
     
   
BREAKFAST
        1/2 grapefruit
        1 slice whole wheat toast
        8 oz glass skim milk

LUNCH
        4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
        1 cup steamed zucchini
        1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
        rest of the package of Oreo cookies
        1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
        1 jar hot fudge

DINNER
        2 loaves garlic bread
        1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
        1 large pitcher of beer
        3 Milky Way candy bars
        1 entire cheesecake

DIET TIPS
        1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
        2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar,
                they cancel each other out.
        3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count
                if you both eat the same amount.
        4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories.
                These include any chocolate used for energy,
                brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
        5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage
                causes the calories to leak out.
        6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the
                calories don't count.
        7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because
                they are part of the entertainment, and not ones
                of personal fuel.
  


4.   Vote:    Categories: Miscellaneous, Women Send this joke to a friend




Benefits of having Alzheimer's:

   You can wrap your own presents.
   You are always meeting new friends.

5.   Vote:    Category: Medicine Send this joke to a friend



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




 

By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read

Today's Stories
Today's Poems
Today's Quotes

 
Jump to