A Modest Essay
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW
YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU
HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for
Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
i woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays,
after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I
don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have
been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I
toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat
.400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed
several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do
sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The
laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster
oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have
spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as
they could then say, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf.
Heil Hitler!" So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully
went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, "In nine months
you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!" She replied, "In a few
weeks you will have a disease. Name it syphillis. Vive la France!"
A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that
no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."
The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old
guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and
starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks.
The next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens
up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy
hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner.
The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back,
coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
He puts them on the bar and says to the guy, "Now if your octopus can
play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over,
and has another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus'
owner comes up and says, "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up
and play the damn thing !"
The octopus says, "Play it ? If I can figure out how to get it's
pajama's off, I'm gonna fuck it! "
A blond at a party was telling her friend that
she was off men for life. "They lie, they cheat
and they're just no good. From now on when I want
sex, I'm going to use my vibrator"
"So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend
"I'll just fake an orgasm like always."
What is the rallying cry of the International Dyslexic Pride movement?
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