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Today's jokes [3.18.04]

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A Modest Essay 


I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have 
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more 
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for 
Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. 
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. 
i woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot 
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a 
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly 
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious 
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the 
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large 
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, 
after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. 
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. 
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I 
don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have 
been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I 
toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 
.400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international 
botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I 
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and 
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the 
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed 
several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do 
sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully 
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The 
laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On 
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years 
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have 
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster 
oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, 
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. 
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have 
spoken with Elvis. 

But I have not yet gone to college. 

1.   Vote:    Category: School and College Send this joke to a friend

During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as 
they could then say, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. 
Heil Hitler!" So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully 
went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, "In nine months 
you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!" She replied, "In a few 
weeks you will have a disease. Name it syphillis. Vive la France!"

2.   Vote:    Category: Historical Stuff Send this joke to a friend

   A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that
   no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."
   The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old
   guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and
   starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks.
   The next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens
   up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy
   hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner.
   The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back,
   coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
   He puts them on the bar and says to the guy, "Now if your octopus can
   play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."
   The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over,
   and has another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus'
   owner comes up and says, "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up
   and play the damn thing !"
   The octopus says, "Play it ? If I can figure out how to get it's
   pajama's off, I'm gonna fuck it! "

3.   Vote:    Category: Animal World Send this joke to a friend

A blond at a party was telling her friend that
she was off men for life. "They lie, they cheat
and they're just no good. From now on when I want
sex, I'm going to use my vibrator"

"So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend

"I'll just fake an orgasm like always."

4.   Vote:    Category: Blondes Send this joke to a friend

What is the rallying cry of the International Dyslexic Pride movement? 

                       Dyslexics Untie! 

5.   Vote:    Category: Miscellaneous Send this joke to a friend

BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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