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Today's jokes[9.30.01]

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   In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly
   confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot
   the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he
   could.
   
   The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a
   very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
   
   Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in
   rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and
   exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
   
   The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet
   short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced
   around, somewhat confused.
   
   Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God,
   for the food I'm about to receive...."
   




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1
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
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2
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender. "Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"
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3
One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out. The ant asked, "What do I get in return?" The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you." So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?". The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?" The ant climbs up and starts to work away. Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head. "Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it all bitch."
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4
A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically. He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a monkey. What an ugly kid." The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to console her. He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey."
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5

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