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Today's jokes[9.27.01]

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   One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a
   thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help
   her get the thorn out.
   The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"
   The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."
   So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out
   he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?".
   The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?" The
   ant climbs up and starts to work away. Just then a monkey overhead
   drops a coconut on the elephant's head.
   "Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it all

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A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla--for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third? "Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
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Noon in the jungle. Under a tree a lion tries to sleep, when he hears strange laughing. He rises and strolls to the bushes where the laughter seems to come from. Behind the bush a group of elephant bulls is sitting in a circle and they are laughing their heads off. Lion: "Hey elephants, why are you laughing?" Elephant: "We are fucking some monkeys" Lion: "Well, I do that as well, but I don't see what's so funny about it." Elephant: "Because they don't burst when YOU cum." (Alternatively, Elephant: "Because they don't turn inside-out when YOU pull it out.")
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A man goes into a pet shop that advertises "unusual pets" and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says, "How about Phil, the dog?" The man replies, "Come on, a dog can't do everything." The owner says, "How about Miriam, the cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything, damn it!" The owner thinks for a minute. Then says, "I've got it! ... Charlie, the centipede! HE can do everything. But it will cost you." The man says, "Charlie, the centipede? ... I can't imagine a centipede doing everything but ... okay, if you guarantee he can do everything ... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says, "Charlie, clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Charlie, go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed. The furniture cleaned and dusted. The pillows on the sofa plumped. Plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is a pet that really can do everything." He sits down to watch a little TV, turns to the centipede and says, "Charlie, run down to the corner and get me a newspaper, please." The centipede leaves. 10 minutes later ... no Charlie. 20 minutes later ... no Charlie. 30 minutes later ... no Charlie. The man is wondering what's going on. The darn centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later ... still no Charlie! The man can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is Charlie? He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's Charlie sitting right outside the door. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you out 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?!" The centipede says, angrily, "Hey, man, cut me some slack here, will ya? I'm still putting on my shoes!"
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It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!!"
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