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Today's jokes[9.24.01]

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   There is a pit-bull, bull-dog, and a black lab all locked up in the
   local dog pound. The pit-bull decides to speak freely and says, "Ya
   know, it wasn't my fault I bit that kid's head off. Them kids have
   been throwing rocks at me for years and I just couldn't help but jump
   the fence one day and go after them. Now they are going to put me to
   sleep."
   
   The bull-dog speaks up and says, "I'm in for a similar incident. My
   master just wasn't paying any attention to me since that stinkin baby
   came along and one day while it was crawlin around on the floor I bit
   its leg off. Now they are going to put me to sleep too."
   
   Both the pit-bull and bull-dog look at the black lab and ask, "What
   are you in for?"
   
   The lab replies, "Well the other day my master's lady was walking
   around the house naked all day long cleaning the house. When she went
   into the bathroom and bent over to clean the tub I just couldn't take
   it anymore. I came up behind her, put my front paws on her back and
   mounted her."
   
   The pit-bull asks, "So when are you due to be put to sleep?"
   
   And the lab replies, "Oh, I'm not in to be put to sleep, I'm just in
   to have my nails trimmed and groomed."
   




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1
There's a guy hitchiking along the highway, when along comes an 18-wheeler. It pulls up, and comes to a grinding halt. The hitcher runs to the truck, reaches up, opens the door and jumps in. Inside the truck is the driver, and beside him is his pet monkey. "Great lookin' monkey, mate" said the hitcher. "Yeah, he's great company, and he looks after you as well. Take a look at this." Without further ado, the truckie winds up, and punches the monkey in the guts with all his might. The monkey dutifully bends down, unzips the truckie's fly, goes down and gets to work on the truckie at a vigorous pace. Once the captain of the Kenworth has unloaded his cargo all over the cabin, the monkey wipes him off, zips up his master's fly and sits back down in his seat in the cabin. "That's GREAT!!!" says the by now quite interested hitchiker. "Can I have a go??" The truckie looks across and replies, "Yeah sure, why not?" "There's only one thing though" says the hitcher. "What?" "There's no need to smack me in the guts so hard."
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2
A fellow walks into a bar, and his eye is quickly drawn to a large glass bowl filled with ten dollar bills. Intrigued, he asks the bartender why the bowl is there. The bartender explains that it's an ongoing challenge at this particular bar. "For ten bucks you get a shot at three tasks -- if you complete them all successfully, you'll get yer ten bucks back, along with the rest of the money." The fellow expresses an interest in the idea. "Well," says the bartender, "it sounds a lot easier than it really is. A lot of guys haven't been able to hack it. You gotta drink a whole one of those kegs in the corner over there -- then there's this crazy mad pit bull out back, through that door -- he's crazy on account of he's got an infected tooth, so you'll have to pull that." Some of the regulars start to pay attention to the guy, so he inflates his chest and prods the bartender on. "Well," says the bartender, "then you gotta -- upstairs is the lady who owns this place -- she's pretty old, but you gotta -- well, you gotta make her finish if you know what I mean." "Bring her to orgasm?" asks the fellow. "Yup," says the bartender. "That's the third thing." Without hesitation, the guy proudly places a new ten dollar bill into the bowl, and sets off to the nearest keg in the corner. The regulars stare on, having seen many men fail. After successfully draining the keg in record time, the man makes his way out the back door, surprisingly staggering very little. For a good half hour, painful sounds of growling and crashing come through the wall as the regulars shoot knowing looks in each other's directions. As the clamor outside subsides, and the bartender starts to add ten to the running total cash pot, the fellow staggers in through the back door, bloody, clothing in shreds, with a determined look in his eye. The others look on in amazement as he claps his hands together and says, "Alright, now where's that ugly old lady needs her fuckin' tooth pulled?"
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3
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour, what the camel was for. The Sargent replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
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4
If you are unsure of what "shagging" means, [1]this list may help. LD A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer. "So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall." "That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer. "So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall." "That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny. "So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders." "Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?" "What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"
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