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Today's jokes[9.23.01]

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   An English taxidermist is sweating his way through the Australian
   outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer
   swilling locals and in his well educated voice asks the bartender,
   "May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man."
   
   One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a
   fucking man's drink is that?"
   
   Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom!
   Gin and fucking tonic -- are you some fucking kind of a poofter or
   something?"
   
   "Ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a
   taxidermist."
   
   "Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist then?"
   
   "I mount d..d..dead animals."
   
   "It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "He's
   one of us!"
   




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1
1200 people attended the recent International Psychic Society conference. Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?" (Over 80% of the hands were raised) Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?" (58% of the hands were raised) Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?" (23% of the hands were raised) Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?" (3% of the hands were raised) Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?" (After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up) Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, sir?" Attendee: "I am from Australia." Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?" Attendee: "Oh sorry! I thought you said "goat."
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2
A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go duck hunting. He tells his wife, "You've got three choices; you can go duck hunting with me, I'll do ya anally or you can give me a blowjob. I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out. Make up your mind before I get back." Hubby returns twenty minutes later and says, "Well what's it gonna be?" She say's, "There's no way I'm going duck hunting and you're not doing my ass so I guess it's a blowjob." A couple minutes later she starts choking and spitting and says, "Jesus, you taste like shit." "Oh yeah," he replies, "The dog didn't want to go duck huntin' either."
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3
A lawyer from New York was transfered to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men. He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?" The cowboy replied, "See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one." "That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer. After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed. After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief. The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class." "That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy. "That's the sheriff's gal you're with."
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4
A man and his dog walk into a bar for a drink. The bartender sees the two and immediately decries, "Sorry sir, no dogs allowed in this bar." The man turns to the bartender and explains that this is no ordinary dog but a dog that likes to go down on women. The bartender notices the dog is quite mellow and doesn't feel like arguing with the man so he lets them stay. The waitress hears this and approaches the man telling him she would like to see this for herself. He agrees and she says, "I'll go upstairs and you send up the dog in 5 minutes." The man does and about 15 minutes later she comes back down angry, telling him the dog had just lain there doing nothing. The man replies that this has never been the case before, and offers to coach the dog, to which she agrees. They both go upstairs and she undresses and he tells the dog to do his thing and once again, the dog just lays there. The man looks over at the dog and says, "alright but I'm only gonna show you one more time.........."
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5

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