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Today's jokes[9.20.01]

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   A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is
   working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
   
   So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and
   the bees.
   
   He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc.
   
   He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love......
   
   He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to
   tell it all is the only way to tell truth.
   
   The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new
   knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know
   about sex?"
   
   "Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
   




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1
One day Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $ 80,000 mortgage on the house and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Xmas" Xmas came around and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time." Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 Mortgage!"
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2
Version 2: A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the Mom. "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?!" he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too. The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football game. "For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
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3
Version 1. This butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was awakened by strange noises coming from below, so he tiptoed downstairs and saw his 19-year-old daughter sitting on the chopping block and masturbating with a liverwurst. The butcher sighed and tiptoed back to bed. The next morning, when a customer walked in and asked for some liverwurst, the butcher said that he didn't have any left. The customer was really annoyed, she pointed to the corner of the shop and asked, "No liverwurst? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right over there?" The butcher frowned at her. "That", he replied, "is my son-in-law."
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4
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
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5

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