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Today's jokes[9.19.01]

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   In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or
   legs called Philip. One day after school, Johnny goes round his house
   and knocks on the door.
   
   Philip's mother answers the door, and says, "Yes Johnny, what can I do
   for you?"
   
   "Can Philip come out? - we're all skipping in the park"
   
   Philip's mum says, "But Johnny, you know he's got no arms or legs."
   
   "Yeah, I know," says little Johnny, "I just want to see his stumps
   bleed."
   




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1
Dirty Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him jerking off. He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby." The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, "Bow your head, Pop. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"
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2
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'"
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3
Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnnys favourites, the clowns. Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?' 'No,' replies little Johnny. 'Are you the rear end of an ass?' 'No,' replies little Johnny again. 'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.' Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night. The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns. Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?' Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice: 'Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!'
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4
A boy walks into the bathroom and catches his mom sitting on the bowl in her full glory. He runs out to tell his father. He asks his father "What's that big gash between mommy's legs?" The father replies, "That's where I accidentally hit her with an axe!" The boy replies "WOW, you got her right in the cunt!"
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5

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