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Today's jokes[3.19.01]

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What is "71"?

"69" with two fingers up your ass.



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1
For their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France, they return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, "This was the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for our 50th anniversary!" Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the cheek, and said, "I'm going to come back and get you" Sent by Scott
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2
One day a man and his dog walk into a bar. The owner of the dog says to the bartender "I bet 10 dollars my dog can talk". The bartender, naturally, accepts. All of the sudden the dog starts reciting the Gettysburg adress. So the bartender layes down ten dollars and the dog grabbs it and runs out the door. The owner runs after the dog. He finds him in a back ally (kissing) a french poodle. The owner says to his dog "What are you doing? You've never done that before." The dog responds: "I've never had ten dollars before."
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3
To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat. "I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. "If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" "You'll be fatter than that," says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, "Excuse me, but do you know me?" And the little girl says, "No, but I know what you've been doing..."
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4
A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant, "I think I'll just go and shoot myself." The sergeant said, "Better take a couple of extra bullets!"
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5

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